I've slept pretty well the last few days.  I've been able to reconnect with some people, work, and otherwise attempt to stay busy in a place that it's hard to do so.  

The bunnies are gone.  No, we did not eat them, amidst cruel suggestions that such actions be taken.  Someone connected with 4H came and was going to find homes for them.  I really hope they didn't get eaten.  Because that would be sad.

It's going to be a busy weekend.  I have a wedding to go to at 2:00 today, church and rafting stuff to take care of on Sunday, and then I leave for Idaho at 7:00 Monday morning.  It'll be good to get out of town, but I'm really trying to be patient.  Because these next two weeks are gonna be sorta hard.  Really fun. But super hard.  

BUNNIES

I'm at about 97% on the health-o-meter. Which essentially means that all I'm carrying around with me that amounts to sickness is a slight fog just behind my forehead.  I was able to sleep soundly last night, which really is a blessing since I haven't slept a lick in the last week.  

However, as I was happily sleeping, my phone screamed at me  "Hello Moto!" at promptly 6:50 AM.  

Are you kidding me.

It was Mom, surrounded by a cacophony of other female voices. "Brandon, I'm just down the street and I just want to tell you that I love you very much and wanted to ask you if you would bring the fishing net to me. And a few boxes, too."

What.

While my mother and her friends were walking, they had come across a...herd...group...whatever, of bunnies, one of which had a broken leg.  Thinking it would be noble to save them, they called me and the husband of one of the other ladies. 

So now we have five bunny-rabbits chillin' in our backyard. Oh, they're quite domesticated, and oh, they're quite soft and cute.  They also hate living in a cage, as I can imagine.  If I were one of them, I'd be trying to get out too. 

GROSS

I won't be long at this post, because I feel dizzy just sitting here. I have spent the last 4 days laid up on my couch, sucking on cough drops, chugging water, nibbling on strawberries, and otherwise doing absolutely nothing.  I've got a fever, a friggen-sore throat, a stuffy nose and a nasty cough.  The doctor said he thought it was just a cold, like, a terrible one, and, besides the fever and nausea, it feels like that,  I haven't slept worth anything.  I almost did last night, but after 6 hours I woke up surrounded by sweat-soaked sheets, which made my already freezing body just that much colder.  

I've been thinking about life a lot, and figuring out what all my priorities are.  And attempting to listen for God's voice over the constant ringing in my ears as to whether or not I'm thinking in the right direction.

And thinking about climbing.

And really hoping I don't have Mono.

Uh Oh

As I lay in bed, my brain racing in the early stages of REM sleep, it suddenly came to my attention that I will likely be done with college in a little over a year.  Oh junk. 

The worry and concern about my future that I had so far managed to put off until later came to the forefront of my thoughts.  Considering that my soon-to-be degree in history and political science will matter little, this means a few things.

The Bad

1.  Those "gracious" enough to lend me money for my education will begin to expect me to pay them back.  

2.  I will no longer have the family provided luxury of health and dental care.

3.  I'll need a different car at some point. And I don't want to finance it.  Honestly, I would prefer to not have one, but presuming I settle somewhere with rocks to climb and snow to board,  I'll need to feed my addiction.

4.  Oh yeah.  I need to find a job.

The Good

1. I can go ANYWHERE I want.  I'll figure this out when I get closer to the time I pack up my truck/ whatever I end up with.  This is also assuming that I will be single at the time of departure. I'm thinking Bellingham is the saving/ transition stage, then I'm contemplating Coeur D'Alene or Sandpoint Idaho, the Winter Park area in Colorado, Redmond, Bend, or Hood River in Oregon, as well as Bozeman, Montana. This will be interesting, because I know no one in any of those cities. Well, except for Bellingham.  And I know one person in Bozeman.

2. I can get my golden retriever. And name him Jasper.  He will be my friend, and he will actually fetch.  

All in all, this is really scary for me. While I crave adventure, independence, and freedom, it's scary to think of what can happen to me, since I haven't exactly thought ahead with regards to my future.  I have full confidence that God will do something with me as long as I make him a priority in my direction.  I don't want to stress out, because that's what I've found leads to me making really dumb decisions.  Thanks to this summer, I'm learning to be better under pressure, but I am by no means good at it. 

"Invigorating," Yes?

During certain somewhat-mundane moments of my existence on this dustball we call Earth, I find it necessary to read things that I ordinarily would not.  Oh, I'm not talking about stuff that shouldn't be read due to "inappropriate" content.  I'm talking about things like directions and ingredients on shampoo bottles. Articles about the tearful reunion between a cat and its owner in the local newspaper.  A bottles of toothpaste for the suggested action should a child swallow more than a pea-sized amount of said product.  

It was during one of these moments not ten minutes ago that I reached for a box of soap, curious about its ingredients as well as the selling points which would presumably describe why this soap should be purchased over another brand, targeting the soap consumer caught in a moment of indecision.

One of these selling points was as follows: "Great invigorating scent." 

I sat puzzled.  Because what does the typical soap consumer stand to gain by purchasing soap with an "invigorating" scent?  I have been using this soap for years, and not once have I been told "Wow.  You smell great.  What soap do you use?  It really invigorates me." Nor have I found myself "invigorated" in my own use of this product.

I laughed out loud.  Because for some reason the word "invigorated" brings to my mind the image of someone being punched in the face.  

The question is this: Who does the punching? The "invigorated" or the "invigorator"? I guess it would have to be the "invigorated," since the "invigorator" is, in this case, a bar of Irish Spring Aloe soap, and therefore an inanimate object incapable of physical action, other than, say "invigorating" someone.

What if my bar-soap sprouted arms and socked me in the face while I was showering?

Still So Much To Learn

So rafting was SICK. As the captain of a paddle raft on the Salmon River, I am learning to read the river, set up for rapids, and maintain control and lead a group of sometimes- rowdy teenagers. Yes, I have flipped once. But the wave was, by our estimation, in the 18-20 ft range and was curling over, making it what I know as a "show stopper." That was the run for the day, and that's what I was told to do. We hit it perfectly and our raft was still rocked. Yet another reminder that nature can destroy us if it wants to. Since then, I have spent the hour used for set-up of rafts increasingly nervous, since I am entrusted with the lives of 8 individuals whose parents are counting on me for their safe return. But the thrill of perfectly navigating a Class V rapid in a paddle raft is a high all of its own. I love the danger aspect to these things, because they bring a certain clarity of thought that is hard to explain.

With the first set of raft camps behind me and another to look forward to, I have been processing whether or not I am any different, or what I need to change in my life. Here are a few things I'm wrestling with.

1.) I am still weak in the patience department. Especially when I am tired and would prefer that certain people just not talk to me. I need a patience with those people that only can come from God. Not only that, but continuing to listen for God's voice.

2.) Leadership. I'll say it flat out: I don't particularly like being told what to do. While I am obedient and quick to do as I am told, I inwardly question it and if I don't feel as though it makes sense given the circumstances, it's hard for me to complete the task joyfully. Thankfully, this has yet to happen under my current employment. That said, I HATE telling other people what to do. To me, being a leader means being an example, being willing to get down and dirty and work toward a common goal, not merely being able to tell people what to do so that you don't have to. In addition, it's stressful because I hate being rushed and I go into sesory overload when I am and have 20 people each asking me where to take a specific object. As a staff member, I was made a paddle boat captain (which involves me telling people what to do so we can not eddy-out and hit rapids well) and was put in positions where I HAD to tell people what to do. I still hate it, but I've learned to accept it. Now I just have to figure out how to 1) be better at it, and 2) learn to do it joyfully.

3.) I have found that I have somewhat of a rock-star's attitude to being a role-model. That being "I don't have it right, and won't ever get it right, so watch and learn from someone who knows what they're doing." The fact is, I can't stop people from seeing me as a role-model. Which means I have to get it right, because I want everyone else to get it right too. I struggle with my inadequacies as a person, and honestly most of the time I feel as though if people want to end up like me, they are taking a step back in their lives, because right now I have no direction, no idea where I'll end up, and no goals of which to speak. I just like history and love Jesus. I suppose the latter is a good trait for a role model, but I fail at that half the time too.

4.) I am a servant. I need to learn to be served. My mind knows this but my heart does not follow.

Those are some of my thoughts. I'm sleepy and so I probably have more, but I can't muster the energy to think of them right now. I may add more later, but that's it for now.

I am still very much processing and figuring out what all of this means to me and my spiritual growth. SO if you have anything to add, feel free to do so.

And now I'm tired and going to sleep.