I got back about five days ago. I recently became aware of just how tired my body is, and came home from work to a nap in a dark room and some music. Still tired, but a little better.
So camp itself, aside from my ridiculous story, was very different from the last set, which happened at the end of June to mid-August. The first set of camps consisted of training with Junior Interns (JI's,) young adult (college-age) camp, and a 50-ish person high school camp. This was essentially my training ground and the time when God loaded up my plate with ways that I can grow. After becoming very aware of my weakness and staring at that plate for a few weeks, the time came to start swallowing.
The second round of camps included an 85-ish person high school camp, as well as a 60-ish person middle school camp in which the staff and JIs likely overwhelmed the middle schoolers themselves. Each stretched me more than I could have imagined. High school camp #2 saw me taking on more responsibilities, including daily running shuttle with trailers loaded with rafts (bringing the vehicles to the boat ramp at take-out before actually rafting so that rafts could be loaded as soon as we hit the beach after our run,) topping off our water supply, leading a small group, and having to navigate rapids with which I was not as familiar in addition to my normal duties of cooking breakfast (which took longer,) the occasional dinner clean-up, helping with music, and being down-to-earth and friendly with everyone that I came into contact with. Managing all of this left me always doing something, but I realized at the end of the camp that I had yet to play my guitar outside of worship, which we rarely practiced due to time constraints. By the time I came to this realization I was so tired that I was continually digging within me for the energy that came with the amount of food I consumed and was always looking for. I leaned on God for the strength and energy to keep going, and thankfully I didn't break at this segment of camps. Yet all of this activity, in retrospect, only served to wear me out. I didn't deal with much other than sleep deprevation in the week of high school camp. I had to think to excersize patience a bit with certain individuals, but otherwise I was so busy I only thought of the next task to be done. It was middle school camp that I did most of my thinking and endured what seemed to be the most spiritual attack.
After a "rest" day- oriented towards the introvert- left me more tired, the middle schoolers arrived. I remember that evening very clearly, simply because I wanted to escape it all and climb something. Middle schoolers are great, but they take a lot more patience than high schoolers. It was as if God had said "Now you're good and worn out. Did you learn anything?" and put me to the test with the most challenging camp yet.
Due to the ridonkulous amount of staff and JIs on this camp, I had a lot more down time. I got to have JI's, which I had spent the whole summer getting to know, on my paddle raft, and even got to run the chaotic mess that is the Salmon River on an inflatable kayak. Regretably, I didn't talk to many middle schoolers outside of the breakfast line, small group (which I thankfully didn't have to worry about leading solo,) and when one of them needed something. However, the tension in camp for a few days was unbearable. Being very in-tune to issues of emotion and stress, the whole camp felt heavy, especially amongst JIs. Whether it was unspoken conflict, tiredness, or whatever, I resolved not to involve myself, and yet at the same time I was very involved simply because I was in camp with it. It eventually got better. But those were a hard few days. I struggled and learned numerous things, which I'll outline below. Then the last day of rafting, travel and the night in between the two rocked my world so much that I'm still recovering and processing.
1.) I said before that I struggle with leadership and being a role model. This hit me REALLY hard during middle school camp. While I was no longer scared of stacking and strapping 4-5 rafts on top of a trailer, I knew that I was constantly being watched. I was a leader. I know I could look 18, so high schoolers might think of myself as one of them and be a bit more discerning in what they choose to follow and don't. But at middle school camp, I couldn't hide, even amongst what seemed to be a herd of staff and JIs. I am loud. I laugh a lot. Some would go as far as to call me funny. I was up front helping with music. I remember being a middle schooler and looking up to guys in positions in which I find myself today, and remember not saying hardly anything to those I admired. I simply saw them and knew there was something about them that was worth immitating. The idea that someone could look at me and want to be like me wrecked me inside, considering how little I feel like I have it all together.
One of the few things that I was challenged on for the first camp by a guy named Zach and another intern was confidence. Sometimes I feel as though I am nothing special. A small fish in a big pond. There are others out there with contagious laughter, decent guitar skills, red hair, free spirits. And yet I was reminded that there is only one me. I know what I am capable of as a person, and yet I know that I can't do anything without Christ in my life. I can try. But I'll fail. And if those kids took anything away from becoming acquainted with me in the days they spent in my raft, in the conversations we had while filling up water jugs, in the way I found tents for them when they realized that it might rain in their time on the beach, I hope they saw a guy that is trying to follow Christ and love people as he loved us. If all they remember is that I made them laugh, I have failed miserably.
2.) PATIENCE. Oh my goodness. I am a pretty laid back guy. I was recently told by a JI that they only time they saw me freaked out was right after I flipped my first (and only raft) on a huge wave, dumping my entire crew. When I was surrounded by a bunch of tired people and middle schoolers asking me for stuff at inopportune times, I had to remain calm and help them get what they needed. Everytime I felt like using sarcasm, yelling, or just ignoring anyone, I had to remember back to when I was 12 and wanted to talk at 6:30 in the morning. And I apologize to whatever trouble I may have caused anyone as a friggen crazy twelve-year old.
3.) I'll just re-highlight this from yesterday's post. Next summer, I will no longer be a student, in the collegiate sense at least. Which means that I have to do something with myself. I currently have aspirations of moving to Boulder or Winter Park, CO, or perhaps Northern Idaho, maybe even Hood River, to feed my addiction to mountains and adventure. I'm waiting for a monkey wrench to be thrown in those plans, honestly. I have no idea what I am going to do with myself, or what God has planned for me. It'll be an interesting ride, and I have to trust that God knows what he's doing. As a friend pointed out the other day, it's not like there's a trust-o-meter that goes *DING* when you hit the top. I don't know that I can swing that hard, honestly. But I'm trying.
This summer was amazing. I threw a lot into it, but I've also gotten a lot out of it. I've got a few weeks left as an intern, and I will continue going full bore, but I feel as though the bulk of the intern experience has been passed. I already miss the massive waves and just feeling so futile and insignificant compared to the river and the power that you can only feel by being in it. I may tack things on as I continue to process, but this is the bulk of it.
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